The following are translations of some common phrases used by corporations and their employees.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.CAREER-MINDED:
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).APPLY IN PERSON:
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I've used Microsoft Office.I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.I'M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.I AM ADAPTABLE:
I've changed jobs a lot.I AM ON THE GO:
I'm never at my desk.
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