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THE MORTICIAN
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery—Mr. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen. "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with this--it has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the mortician used a saw to remove the dead man's penis. He stuffed it in his briefcase and took it home with him. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe", he said and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead?"

THE BEDWETTER
This lady is having a bedwetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

POLICE ROADBLOCK
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

HOSPITAL VISIT
Two little kids in a hospital. The first kid leans over and asks "What are you in here for?" The second kid says "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!" The second kid then asks "What are you in here for?" The first kid replies, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid says "Whoa, I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

WHERE'S JESUS?
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas and Easter season's commercial emphasis. He asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Good Lord, are you still in there?"

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