CHARITY AT THE POST OFFICE
A postal worker, at the main sorting office, finds an unstamped, handwritten envelope, addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because her entire savings of $200 has been stolen. She will be cold and hungry this Easter without divine intervention. He organizes the postal workers, who dig deep and come up with $180 to donate. They get it to her by special courier the same morning. A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same handwriting on another envelope. He opens it: "Dear God, Thank you for the $180 for Easter, which would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was $20 short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out his application he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read his application and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," the man said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"
WHEN I GROW UP
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and he has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?" The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck." "Looking good," said the fireman. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
THE BONE AGE
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are three million, four years and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
DEAD BUT SMILING
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what has happened. A police detective is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile," says the coroner. The detective is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Nothing too unusual here," thinks the detective, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the detective. To which the coroner replies: "Thought he was having his picture taken."