A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: "Da-ad." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "D-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm Thirsty...Can I have a drink of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!" Five minutes later: "Daaaa-aaaad!" "What?" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
IT'LL STICK LIKE THAT
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
An elderly woman had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, and she thought she would really like to do so before she died. But she'd never even been out of the country. So she went to the Passport Office and asked how long it would take to have a passport issued. "You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand. "Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question. The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uh, all by myself?"
THE CAT AND THE PLATE
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He knows the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says, "Sold." He hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the 20 bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."
MRS. SMITH'S ALMONDS
A priest decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishioners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the doorbell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good Day, Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how your are doing." The woman says, "Oh, just fine Father, come on in and we'll have some tea." While sitting at the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says. "Not at all, have as many as you like." After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visiting says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, Ive eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace them next time I visit." To which Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh, don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."