There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. She went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, a reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly-painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?" To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord I'm not a gynecologist.'"
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
A married couple retires to their hotel room on their wedding night. The man, who is much larger than the petite woman, takes off his pants and throws them over to his wife, saying "Put these on." The woman replies "But theyre too big for me." "Put them on, anyway," he says. She puts them on, they fall down, and she says "I can't fit into these." He replies "That's right, now just remember who wears the pants in this family." The woman then takes off her panties and throws them over to her husband, saying "Put these on." He looks at them and says "I can't get into these." She replies, "Yes, that's right. And you won't be able to in the future unless you change your attitude!"
HOLMES AND WATSON
Holmes and Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?" "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" asked Holmes. "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
JUST HOLD ME
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to the secluded garden behind the center to relax. One evening Annabel, 87, wanders into the garden and asks if she can join Howard. "Of course," Howard replies. "Have a seat!" They chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a lull, Howard says, "Do you know what I miss most of all at age 95? Sex." "Why, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" Annabel says. "I know, but it would be nice if a woman would just hold it for awhile," replies Howard. "I can oblige," says Annabel, and gently removes his manhood from his trousers, and proceeds simply to hold it. After awhile, they agree to secretly meet every Wednesday night in the garden for friendly conversation and the holding of Howard's member. After six or seven weeks, Annabel arrives at their spot, but Howard is nowhere to be found. A bit concerned, she decides to walk around the rear of the Senior Center to the men's dormitory to see if Howard is all right. When she passes the pool area, and sees Howard sitting with another woman--Annabel is shocked to see the woman is holding Howard's manhood. "You old two-timing fossil!" she announces loudly. "I can't believe you stood me up for another woman! What does this hussy have that I don't have?" Howard smiles, looks up at her and replies, "Parkinson's."