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MEASURING UP
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My, God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."

A SURE SIGN
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "Where Am I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "You Are In A Helicopter." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are In A Helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

INTO THE WOODS
A psychopath was walking a little boy deep into the woods. "Mister, I'm scared." "Quit complaining. I'm the one who's gotta walk back all alone."

FAMILY HISTORY
The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose--how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

THE EARRING
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Hey Joe," he yells out, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal out of it, it's only an earring," says Joe sheepishly. "No really," probes Morris, "how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife, Becky, found it in our bed."

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