top2.gif (1149 bytes)

jokes1.gif (6283 bytes)

THE PHYSICAL
Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face. "Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks. "Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad," says the doctor. "What is it Doc?" asks Albert. "I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say." Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "OK, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it." "Well," says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud." "Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert. "No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."

CONFESSIONS
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long." "Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

ONSTAGE
Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

DON'T TELL
After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown. He crossed the deck, seized the fellow’s hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven’t seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I’m practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don’t tell mother. She thinks I’m still a pimp."

WHY
Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn't want any advice.

more-jokes.gif (2017 bytes)home.jpg (4312 bytes)