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Two guys were walking through the woods and spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first guy opened his backpack, took out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second guy looked at him and said, "You’re crazy--you’ll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don’t have to," the first guy replied. "I only have to outrun you."

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays. "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Please just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God: "Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and he said to himself every so often, "Lord, I hope I'm sick!" After about the fifth or sixth utterance, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Adams?" The man replied, "Well, I'd hate to be well and feel like this."

A young man went to town looking for a little real action. A cab driver gave him an address and told him he could find anything he wanted there. When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked, the panel slid open, and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK. Slide twenty bucks in the slot," answered the voice. The man did as instructed, the panel closed, and the man waited. Nothing happened. After awhile, he began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open again. "Hey," exclaimed the man, "I said, I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice. "Again?"

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright shirt he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again they vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all in worshipful silence turned to the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants."

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