The Alaska Fish & Game Department is advising fishermen and campers to take extra precautions in August and to keep alert for bears while in the Kenai and Russian River areas. They are advising people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert (but not startle) the bears unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend. The phone rings, and the guy hears her say, "Uh-huh, sure, wonderful. Okay. Uh-huh. Yep. That's fine. Okay, bye." She turns to her lover and says, "That was John. Don't worry, he won't be home for hours--he's out playing cards with you."
The regular foursome teed off on time that Saturday morning. On the second hole Joe noticed a funeral procession going by and stopped, held his hat over his heart and bowed his head. His partners noticed and complimented Joe on his thoughtfulness. "She was a good wife for 40 years," replied Joe.
The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry--on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door--while he was driving down the freeway at 65 miles an hour!"
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect, too." The daughter protests, "But Mom, some poor, helpless creature has to suffer so you can have this." "Don't worry, honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?" "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." "Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?" "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve." "Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush. A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"
LITTLE BLONDE GIRL
A little blonde girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Suzie just told me--that babies come out of the same place where boys put their things?" "Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
A state trooper pulled a car over on a lonely back road and approached the blonde woman driving the car. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear-view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
MORAL OF THE STORY
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next, little Lucy raised and hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "Fine, Lucy, " said the teacher. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands. "Good heavens," said the shocked teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "He said, 'Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'"
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the directions: "For five points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!"
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