A MOTHER'S BURDEN
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10 percent to begin with, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20 percent and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.
A cowboy is talking to his horse, "Well, I suppose you've been all right. You've been a decent horse, I guess. A bit slow sometimes, but a decent horse." The horse turns to the cowboy and says, "No, you idiot! I didn't ask you for FEEDBACK! I said I wanted my FEEDBAG!"
Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami. They were discussing the fact that if they go for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes, but if they take the cigarettes with them, they will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The ladies go up to the girl and ask, "How do you keep your cigarettes dry?" Her answer, "I put them inside of a condom." The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a condom. The pharmacist asks, "What size?" One of the ladies says, "It should fit a Camel."
After a church service, a little boy told the Pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the Pastor replied, "that would be very nice of you," he smiled, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're the poorest preacher we've ever had."
115 YEAR OLD MAN
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty young woman of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them. "Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked. "Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin. "Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?" "Naw, sir," said the old man. "She's my wife." "Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old." "That's right," said the old man with pride. "Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked. "Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Each night two of my boys helps me on her, and every morning six of my boys helps me off." "Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?" "Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."
ARE YOU HURT?
While at the fairgrounds, a woman wanted to take a ride on the Ferris wheel before heading home. Her husband waited while she took a spin. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the woman was thrown out. She landed in a heap at her husband's feet. He gasped and bent down. "Are you hurt?" he asked. "Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
The Pope and the Queen of England are sitting next to each other in front of a large crowd. The Queen turns to the Pope and says, "With the wave of my hand I can make everyone cheer." She then waves her hand and the crowd cheers aloud. The Pope nudges the Queen and says, "With a wave of my hand I can make every Irishman cheer." "Really?" she replies. "How?" The Pope grins to himself, and then slaps her across the face.
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him." "Cured him?" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Ted."
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