The son came home from school and asked his father, "Today I learned that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Dad replied, "That happens in most countries, son."
A BIT TOO MUCH
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror.
A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be 100. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be 100?"
BUBBA AND EARL
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?" "Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," he replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant. "That's where 12 ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
LAST NAME ONLY
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" asked the manager. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only--Smith, Jones, Baker--that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
St. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" St. Peter asks. "No, it's all right. It won't be long." The man looks at his watch, shrugs and continues his pacing. St. Peter gives it another five minutes and asks again. The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"
AT YOUR AGE
A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace." The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States."
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day on just such a field the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is three o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is six bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the three. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon. If it's National Guard, it's still a couple of hours until quitting time."
LIFE AT 75
A 75-year-old woman was found sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. A man stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee." The man replied, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon." The man says, "Well, so why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a formal meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2 a.m." The man, more than a bit confused said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said: "I can't remember where I live!"
A band director named was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
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