Dewayne, his wife, and Dewayne's mother-in-law went camping over the 4th of July weekend. Dewayne's wife announced that her mother had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long. So the two of them went looking for her. After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear squared off with the mother-in-law! Immediately her daughter in a frantic voice said, "Dewayne you gotta do something, or theres gonna be bloodshed fer sure!" Dewayne calmly said, "Now look, honey, the bear got himself into it..."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. After a few years, theyre in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains he'll be glad to help, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." After paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members. A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made. She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."
A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me." "Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
SHOW ME SOMETHING
In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, Ill show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. Then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. She then says, "If each of you will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs." They all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her underwear. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork over the money. The girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" A male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "When did you learn to speak English?"
A professor was giving a lecture on company slogans in a college advertising and marketing class. "Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?" "United." Joe answered. "Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?" Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty. "Now John, Tell me which company uses the slogan, 'Just do it'?" And John answered, "Mom."
Recently, just as an ecumenical gathering was commencing, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!" The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed. The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?" The Quakers quietly praised God for blessings fire brings. The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil. The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage. The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass. The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!" The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!" The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out. The Christian Scientists concluded that the fire would burn itself out. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report. The Unity Students proclaimed the fire had no power over them. Some Atheists in attendance didn't believe there was a fire. The Secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't have change for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the floors, and asked him, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" Private Duncan replied, "Sure." The Corporal gave him an icy stare. He said, "That's no way to address a superior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you have change for a dollar?" Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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