A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
TWO HORSES, ONE BLONDE
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was two inches taller than the black one.
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the exam was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
Little Johnny and his mother returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. Little Johnny opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," Johnny explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
A well-dressed man entered a fancy bar and ordered four very expensive drinks. The bartender served them all at the same time, and the man downed them in about a minute. "Wow," said the bartender, "that sure was fast. Is everything okay?" "If you had what I had," replied the man, "you'd drink them fast, too." "Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asked, "And what is that?" "Fifty cents," the man answered.
The candidate called his wife and said, "Congratulate me, I've just won the election." "Honestly, dear?" she said. "Now, why would you want to bring that up?" he grumbled.
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project--an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagal. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant, as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the game warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water." The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," the prisoner replied.
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