LOSS OF CONTROL
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" asked the kid. "Right after the National Anthem."
PAID TO WORRY
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
A blonde was sick of being teased about her intelligence. She decided to die her hair black on Saturday to surprise everyone at work come Monday. While she was out driving on Sunday she was stopped by a herd of sheep crossing the road. She told the shepherd that she wanted one as a pet. He said "Lady, you don't want a sheep for a pet." She said, "If I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, will you let me have one for my pet?" He agreed and she startled him but guessing right. She picked out her new pet and started putting it in her car when the shepherd said "Lady, if I can guess your natural hair color, can I have my dog back?"
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Where they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?" asked the professor. "For one thing," the student pointed out, "she'd be way too old."
A man walks into a supermarket and buys one bar of soap, one toothbrush, one tube of toothpaste, one loaf of bread, a pint of milk, a single serving of cereal and a single serving frozen dinner. The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" She replies, "Because you're ugly."
Two guys are drinking together at a bar and go into the bathroom. Standing at the latrine, the first guy notices that the second guy very well endowed. "Wasn't always that way," the second guy says. "It's a transplantgot this done over on Harley Street. Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent." So the first guy visits the doctor on Harley Street that day. Six months later, the two guys meet up again at the bar. The first guy tells the other that he took his advice, but says, "You were robbed. I got mine for $500, not a thousand." The second guy can't believe it, so they go back to the restroom to compare. "No wonder," the second guy says. "That's my old one!
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