TIME TO SWEAR
A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven-year-old. "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four-year-old nodded his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four-year-old agreed with enthusiasm. The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven-year-old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one day. Basically he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not much more than that. So he decided to go to a local drug store to buy a few in order to learn more about them. As to not waste too much time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms for sale. The pharmacist replied, why yes, we have them three for a dollar. Johnny replied, I'll take three then. When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came to one-dollar and six cents. Johnny said, "Wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I thought you told me they were three for a dollar?" The pharmacist replied, "That's the tax we put on them." Little Johnny said, "Oh, I thought they stayed on by themselves."
OUT FOR SOME AIR
During a wild party at a country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she laid down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her. Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time boys, one at a time."
A bartender asks a man, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink and says, "That'll be five dollars." The man replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the devil are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back." The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life." The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" "What did you do?" the other nuns asked. "Well, of course I threw them all in the trash." The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms." "Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them," she replied. The third nun said, "Oh, crap."
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."
As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter pleasuring herself with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm 35-years-old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm 35-years-old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped him. Tim and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him, but all the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the $500 I've got in my shoe!"
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she had been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this the doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet, and tells the doctor his wife was dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?" The man said, "Here and there." The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?" The man said, "This and that." The now exasperated judge then said, "Take him away." The man said, "Wait, judge, when will I get out?" The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."
A genie magically appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the genie that disappears in a puff of smoke. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a bright aura. A long silence is finally broken when one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something. What do you know now that you did not know before?" The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
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