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A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's rectum and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of moments of silence, they follow suit. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation. For example, I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's rectum, but if you were paying attention, you’d have noticed that I licked my index finger."

Mommy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection. "What's that, Mommy?" asks the child. "Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on. A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens. "What's that, Daddy?" "That, son, is the elephant's penis." "Mommy said it was nothing." "Your mother's spoiled, son."

Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears pouring down his face. The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test, and during the test they stuck my finger with a needle." Hearing this, the second man started crying. The first one asked, "Now, why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I'm here for a urine test."

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking, the man couldn’t take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his stare and walked directly toward him. The young woman said, "I'll do anything—absolutely anything—you want me to do, no matter how kinky for $100, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly said, "Paint my house."

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow, that's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner."

One night, a couple went to bed and the husband tapped his wife on the shoulder, romantically rubbing her arm. The wife said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, rolled over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know? "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 shekels on Goliath.'"

Two pastors were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

Three mothers—a brunette, a redhead and a blond—were all talking about their daughters. The brunette said, "I was looking through my daughter’s things and I found cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter smokes." The redhead, said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughter’s things and I found a bottle of liquor, I can't believe my daughter drinks." The blond said, "I was looking through my daughter’s things and I found a pack of condoms—I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

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