FRUITS OF LOVE
Two newlyweds were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and hadn't been seen for five days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her husband to check on them. The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers. The old man asks, "Are you young folks all right?" "Yes, we're fine," the man answered. "We're living on the fruits of love." The old man replied, "I kinda figured that. Say, would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"
BOOZE AND GAMBLING
A bum asks a man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth going bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that one falling victim to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pityone of the girls must be quite ill."
A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight-guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.
It was a clerks first day working at a neighborhood supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager. "Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, "...and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half." The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the manager. "Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams." "Oh yeah, my wife is from Lancaster," challenged the manager. Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?" "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" "Yes." "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?" "What's the price?" the man says. "Only $1,500" she replies. "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." "Ah, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good priceand since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year " said the woman. "What price did he quote you?" "Only $60,000." "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options," he said. "Great," she added. "But before we hang up, something else. It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" he asked. "Only $450,000a magnificent price, and I see we have that much in the bank." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. O.K.?" "OK, sweetie. I'll see you later. I love you." The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks all those present, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men down. So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through." He starts walking toward them, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?" So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?" To this he replies, "It's a small world."
WHAT'S UP, DOC?
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed, either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" he inquired. "Getting a second opinion."
A man comes home from work one day, and finds all of his belongings scattered across the front lawn of his home. Puzzled and angry he tries to go into the house to ask his wife what happened. The man tried to open the front door, but found it had been latched from the inside. The man then yelled to his wife, "Open up this door and let me in, I want to talk to you!" His wife replied, "No, you go away!" He yelled again, "Open up this door right now, and explain why all my stuff is all over the front yard!" "I can't let you in," the wife yelled back, "You're a pedophile!" "What the hell are you talking about," said the husband to his wife, "and where did an eight-year-old learn such a big word!"
A woman left her lover on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "Id better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax," she said. "He's downtown playing poker with you."
A week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor. "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My penis is turning blue." "That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's penis is blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" "Yes, I am," she replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" "Grape."
SHOW AND TELL
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh, dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?" "The bastard called back!"
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fencesI guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I know I'm not a cowboy," said the young woman, "but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
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