A woman is yelling at her husband. "You're gonna be really sorry! Im going to leave you!" she screams. The husband says, "Make up your mind. Which one is it gonna be?"
WHO'S THE DUMMY?
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a club in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "Stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
A LITTLE LATE
There's a new member of the golf club who shows up and shoots three over par the first day, and the members ask if he can play again next Saturday. He says, "Sure, I know you guys usually start at eight, but do you mind if I'm 10 minutes late?" The other members say, "No problem." Saturday he shows up and shoots 70, only left handed! So the guys ask, "How do you decide if youre going to play right-handed or left-handed?" "Well," the man says, "if my wife wakes up on her right side, I play right-handed. If shes on her left side, I play left-handed." So they ask, "What if she's sleeping on her back?" "Then I'm 10 minutes late," the man replies.
ENOUGH ABOUT ME
It was the couples first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he droned on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving ability, and even the standards he used to choose his barber. Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you." She breathed a sigh of relief. Without skipping a beat, he continued, "What do you think about me?"
THE NEW DIET
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. "When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
STOCKS ARE DOWN
Linda and Jill are having coffee, when Linda notices that Jill seems troubled and asks her. "Is something bugging you? You look anxious." "Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Jill explained. "Oh, that's too bad," Linda sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him." "Yeah, I am," Jill said. "He'll miss me."
GOD NEWSSEEING EYE DOG
God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad newsI've only given you enough blood to use one of them at a time!"
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers, to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
LUCKY AT ROULETTE
A woman was in a casino for the first time. She approached a roulette table and said, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggested she play her age. Smiling at the man, she put all her money on number 32. The wheel was spun, and 41 came up. With that, the smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted dead away. PROMISE NOT TO LAUGH
A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh." The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In more than 20 years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient." "OK, then," says the man, and he drops his trousers. The doctor is presented with the smallest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes. "I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."
THE NERDSLIFE AFTER DEATH
Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, I do," the clerk replied. "I'm glad to hear that," the boss said. "Because right after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
DRESS OF LOVE
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter, "What are you doing naked?" The daughter nervously responds, "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her, "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds, "This is the dress of love." And he said to her, "Well, go iron it first."
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