SITTING ON THE PORCH
A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." "Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?" "No." "Will I meet her at a night club?" the frog continues. "No." "When will I meet this beautiful young girl?" the frog, asks. "Well," says the psychic, "You will meet her next yearin biology class."
A husband asks his wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She says, "Somewhere I've never been." He tells her, "How about the kitchen?"
THE BRONZE OBJECT
A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner. The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the millions, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and were all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?" "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?"
An intoxicated man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot? A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
One morning, a blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over and help me. I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde said, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box. He turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
A dietitian was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, however, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks terrible. Are you OK?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was..." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began, "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
A couple was married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every nightwhether you're here or not."
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