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CUNNING LINGUIST
A linguistics professor was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," she said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

TRAIN RIDE
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I've got a better idea...let's pretend we're married." "Why not," laughs the man. "Good," she replies. "Get your own stinking blanket."

FLIGHT DELAY
A doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane. The plane was delayed due to technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served. When the hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh, no thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol." The doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the hostess said, "Madam, I didn’t know there was a choice."

SHORT OF RAM
A man was in his front yard mowing when his attractive, blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is. My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail."

IT REALLY HAPPENED
Three friends were in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. The first man says, "This is a nice bar, but where I come from there's a better one. There you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and the owner himself will buy your third drink!" They agree that sounds like a nice place. The second man says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. I know of a place where when you buy a drink, the owner buys you a drink, you buy another, and he buys you another." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the last guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place—they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," says the guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

COUNSELING
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist’s office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

THE TUXEDO
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" He asked. "You know it always gives you a headache the next morning."

TIT FOR TAT
A guy and his date were parked on a lonely back road some distance from town doing what guys and gals normally do when parked on lonely back roads. Things were getting hot and heavy when the guy's date stops him and says: "I should have told you this before, but actually I'm a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The guy looks at her for a moment, shrugs, gives her a $20 bill and they go at it. Afterwards the guy just sits there smoking a cigarette. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asks his date. "I should have told you this before, but actually I'm a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $50," he replies.

TOPSY TURVY
Q: What do you call a blonde who stands on her head?
A: A brunette with bad breath.

THE MATH STUDENT
A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, and went right past them straight to his room, where he quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room—with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first-quarter report card. The boy walked in with his report card—unopened—laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject of "Math." Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No." "Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?" "No." "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?" "Nope," said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"

OFF LIMITS
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

AFTER THE FACT
A girl called the police department and reported that she had been physically assaulted. The officer who answered the phone asked, "When did this happen?" She replied, "Last week." The officer then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" Well," she said, "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."

GRAPE NEHI
This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia." The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?" The guy responds,"I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? What the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's O.K., boys, he's one of us!"

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