Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired, too."
IT HURTS WHEN I DO THIS
A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?" "No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."
One day a kid's mom and dad took him to a nude beach. The kid went to play in the water and came back a little while later and told his mom "I just saw a woman who had bigger things than you do mom." His mom replied "the bigger the woman's boobs the dumber the woman." So, the boy went out to play again, and came back a little while later and said to his mom "Mom, I just saw a man who has a bigger thing than Dad." His mom replied "The bigger the thing, the dumber the guy." So the kid went out to play again, then came back and told his mom "Daddy was talking to a woman, and he kept getting dumber and dumber."
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Q: What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Mississippi?
A: A documentary.
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication! One day the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!" The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrencewhat is called an albino. Look to the yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child!"
Ive heard people are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
JUST FOR KICKS
One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him that he wasn't going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals. Mad at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start on fresh hay, he kicked her in the head. He poured food into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked each one in the head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again. His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since you kicked the chickens, you'll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you'll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs." Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped over the cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs. The boy looked at his mother and asked "Are you going to tell him or should I?"
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "Fifty dollars for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
Q: What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in the same room?
A: A full set of teeth.
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small "hick town." So, he got into his very expensive new luxury car and off he went. After driving for a while, he found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he asked. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill for a short time, then smiled and said to the man, "Ah reckon so, mister. Ya want two nines or three sixes?"
Q: Why do blonde women have bruises around their belly buttons?
A: Blonde men aren't too smart, either.
MORRIS THE WAITER
Six months after Morris the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man. During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit. "Morris !" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!" A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my table."
FINDING A CURE
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft. "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
THALL SHALT NOT COVET
This guy goes over to his buddies house and knocks on the door, it opens and there stands his friends wife. "Is John home?" he asks. She replies "No I'm sorry he's gone out to run a few errands." "Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?" She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen. "I can't help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them." The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe exposing one of her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table. Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he asks "Your breast was so beautiful, I've got to see them both at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them both." She once again thinks for a moment and decides to open her robe and give him a good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws it on the table and says, "I can't wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by." About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says "Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago." John replies, "Did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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