A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why hes staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well," he says, "I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about thatfirst, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, Im single and I'm Catholic, too!" The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's O.K., my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
A couple was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband insisted the lights be turned off. After 20 years, the wife felt this was stupid and figured she would break him out of his crazy habit. One night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband making love to her with a dildo. She becomes outraged. "You bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you lie to me all these years? Explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and calmly says, "I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. Honey, I have to leave right away, so, pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." The wife responds in an angry tone, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented. "He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
An elderly gentleman is strolling through the park, when he happens upon a young boy sitting on a bench eating a box of candy bars. "Young man," said the elder. "You shouldn't be eating so many candy bars, you'll get sick." The young boy looked up from his candy, "My grandfather lived to be a hundred-and-three years old." The old man was interested, "Oh yeah? And he ate a lot of candy bars?" The boy replied, "No, he minded his own goddamn business!"
A middle-aged woman went to the gynecologist and was told she was in perfect health and had the vagina of a 20-year-old. She was so excited, she ran home to tell her husband. "What about your 50-year-old ass?" he asked. She replied, "He didn't say anything about you, dear."
MESSAGE FOR THE BOSS
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in a restaurant. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning crimson. "Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replies, "I'm just the manager." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager, clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him," she says, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall, and sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choicesI could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison?" Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?" "I would have been released today."
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume, and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!"
GOOD LUCK MR. GORSKY
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On 5 July, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
From a transcript of an actual court case, an attorney asked, "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?" The witness stated, "She is my daughter." The attorney paused, then followed-up with, "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?" "For how much?" asks the man. "One hundred dollars," the hooker answers. "I'll give you five bucks," he replies. The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "Ha! See what you get for five bucks?"
JUST STAND THERE
After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, a rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live. He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other. After standing for some time, the doctor asked, "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing," the old man said. "Just stand there." Later, the lawyer asked, "What do you want me to do?" "Nothing. Just stand there," said the man. As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked, "Why are we standing here?" "Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I'd do the same!"
A guy was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
There was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Marine First Sergeant are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Recon," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars." "Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade." "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire." "Finally, as a staff sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In a firefight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!" Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, it figures...all shore duty."
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