A redneck couple was in bed on their wedding night, and were about to consummate their marriage. The wife stops the husband, saying, "Be gentle. I'm still a virgin." The man is astounded. He has never been with a virgin before. He decides to call his father for advice. "Dad," says the newly married young man. "My new wife is a virgin! What do I do?" "Better come on home, son," replies his father. "If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours."
NO FANCY STUFF
The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Cohen turned to his wife, "Show him your tooth, honey."
A LITTLE PROTECTION
A little boy and his father walk into a drugstore and proceed down the aisle with the condoms. The little boy sees a 3-pack of Trojans and asks his father who needs a 3-pack of condoms. The father replies, "That's for the high school boys, one for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night." The little boy then asks, "Well, what about this 6-pack of condoms?" The father says, "That's for the college boys, two on Friday, two on Saturday, and two on Sunday." The little boy's eyes widen when he sees the 12-pack of condoms and asks incredulously, "What kind of man needs a 12-pack?" The father replies, "Relax, son, that's for the married manone for January, one for February..."
12 POUNDS OF BANANAS
A little old lady is sitting in the violin section, fumbling for notes in a difficult key signature. After a few minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with his music stand, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row. Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed. Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily conducting the orchestra when the trumpet player goes sharp. Enraged, he lunges out with his baton, skewering the offender's neck and killing him. Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everythingbut the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free. Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a trombonist. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution. At this point, the executioner can take no morehis professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret, "What is it with the bananas?" "Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor.
GIRLS CAN'T, BOYS CAN
Every day a nine-year-old boy walks home from school past a nine-year-old girl's house. One day he is carrying a football and stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boy's game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. Her mother promptly goes out and buys her daughter a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike and the girl shows him the football, yelling, "Nah-na-nah-na-nah." The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boy's bike and girls can't have them!" The next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts and says, "You see this? Only boys have these and your mother can't go buy you one!" The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say now?" So she pulls up her dress and says, "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
Q: Why do we have orgasms?
A: How else would we know when to stop?
THE VIPER IS COMING
While spending a quiet day relaxing and staring out the window, Joe hears the phone. He answers and hears, "I am the viper, and I am coming." Joe was aghast and bewildered. The next day he received a similar phone message, "I am the viper and in two days I will arrive." Joe was jittery. Who, or what, is this viper? So for two days Joe's life was miserable. He couldn't sleep or eat. He just sat watching the hours pass. By the time the second day had arrived Joe was a bundle of nerves. His hair was messed, clothes wrinkled, and he hadn't shaved in days. Then the doorbell rings. Joe realizes he must face reality and conquer his fears. He throws open the door only to see a small man dressed in overalls, holding a bucket and squeegee. "Who the hell are you?" exclaims Joe. "I am the viper, vich vindow vould you like me to do first?"
GOD IS WATCHING
A burglar is breaking into a home, and as he comes into the living room he hears: "God is watching you." Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says: "What is your name?" The bird replies, "Moses." The burglar laughs and says: "What kind of an idiot names their parrot Moses?" The bird replies, "The same idiot who gave his Rottweiler the name God."
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pairtry these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teethtry them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life. As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully. "Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
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