LIGHT A CANDLE
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied, "That you did, Father." The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet, Father," said she. "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father." And away she went. A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singlesten in all." "Now isn't that wonderful," he said, "and how is your husband?" "Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out that damned candle."
In a recent study, the government administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain the peculiar results.
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6-foot-4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken and is good to the children." The neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot-4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants him back?"
CHECK OUT LINE
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Thanksgiving!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
The owner of a drugstore comes to work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldnt find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once." "Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," said the owner. "Sure it will," says the clerk, pointing to the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'" His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
GOD SENT YOU
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why, God sent you, honey." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" "Yes, honey, all of them, too." The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town he went into a nearby saloon. Approaching the bartender he asked, "Is there any action to be had in this town?" "What do you mean, action?" asked the bartender. "I mean, are there any women," said the trapper. "No, but there's always old Joe," replied the bartender. "No thanks," said the trapper. "I don't go for that kind of stuff." The next spring the trapper came back into town. After being snowed in for nine months he was in a slightly different frame of mind. He walked into the bar and asked, "Is there any action in town?" "There's still old Joe," replied the bartender. "If I were to go for old Joe," he asked, "Who would have to know about it?" "Well," said the bartender, "there's you, me, old Joe of course, and these three guys sitting at the other end of the bar." "What do we need those three guys for?" asked the trapper. "To hold old Joe," replied the bartender. "He don't go for that kind of stuff, either."
ONE, TWO, THREE
After a few years of married life, a guy finds he is unable to perform anymore. He decides to go to a witch doctor for help. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 'One, two, three' and youll get the largest erection youve ever had. Then, when your wife is satisfied, just say One, two, three, four and it will disappear for a year." The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. He is lying in bed with her and says "One, two, three," and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "Thats great, but what did you say 'One, two, three' for?"
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