A young couple are golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you--I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Fantastic!" says the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," says the genie, "it's the least I could do." "And you, ma'am, what do you want?" "I want a house in every country in the world," says the wife. "Consider it done," the genie replies, turning back to the man. "And now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband takes a long look at his wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses. If you don't mind, honey, I don't either." The wife agrees, and the genie takes her upstairs, where he ravishes her for three hours. After he's through, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife, and asks, "How old is your husband anyway?" "Thirty-five," she replies. The genie asks "And he still believes in genies?"
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." "Why's that?" he asks. She says, "Because you've been eating grass for 15 minutes."
This guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
The perfect breakfastyour son is on the front of the Wheaties box, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy and your wife is on the side of the milk carton.
Three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
WHITE WEDDING DRESS
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white," says sales clerk, slightly embarrassed. "You've been married three times already." "Of course I can, I'm a virgin!" says the bride. "Impossible," says the sales clerk. "Unfortunately not," the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector. God I miss him."
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
OUT LATE WITH THE BOYS
A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said his wife would never go for itthat she wouldn't allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets and give your wife oral gratification. She'll love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." The man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets and orally gratified her. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to use the bathroom, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked. "Shh," she replied, "you'll wake up my grandmother!"
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
I'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked. "Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails. "How about if I became impotent and couldn't make love to you any more?" he asked anxiously. "Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails. "Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on, "What if I weren't pulling in six figures any morewould you still love me then?" The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."
Medical experts have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 3% vitamin E, 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% vitamin C and 92% Fix-a-Flat.
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What 'gender' is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other. He asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. The group of women concluded computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2) They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3) They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4) As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
NEVER BEEN KISSED
A woman without arms or legs was lying on the beach crying. A guy walks by her and says, "Why are you crying?" The lady replies, "I've never been kissed before." So the guy kisses her and walks off. Another guy walks by and asks her why she's crying and she says, "I've never been hugged before." So the guy hugs her and walks off. A third guy walks by and also asks her why she is crying and she answers, "I've never been screwed before." So the guy picks her up and throws her into the ocean and says, "There. Now youre screwed."
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
SEX AND A SMILE
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry that his theory hadnt worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"
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