A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice." The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm telling everybody."
TARZAN AND OAK
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. One day, deep in the wild she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch. In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?" Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels."
WALKMAN OR DEATH
A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her Walkman on her head. "I need to take that Walkman off your head," says the hair stylist as she notices the blonde. "You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde. "I can't cut your hair with the Walkman on your ears!" says the stylist, annoyed. "I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!" The stylist, outraged and flustered, grabs the Walkman and tears it off the head of the blonde and smashes it under foot. Within seconds the blonde dies. When the stylist picks up the Walkman to listen, she hears it repeating, "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."
A woman walks into a sex toy shop and asks for a vibrator. "You can find them in all shapes and colors in that corner over there," said the salesman. So, off she goes, choosing three of a different sizes and colorsblue, green and red. "Can you, please, tell me how this red one works?" she nonchalantly asks the cashier. "Sure" he replies, "but let me first explain how this blue one works. Well, it lasts for about two hours after which you have to change the battery through this small door here." "Thanks," says the woman. "Now, please tell me how this red one works." "In a moment," says the salesman, "after I tell you how this green one works. Well, it lasts for three hours but needs two batteries to run again." "OK, thanks," says the woman "now, would you please tell me how this red one works?" "That, my dear," says the salesman, "you take back right now because it's the fire extinguisher!"
A lady struck up a conversation with a man on an airplane. "And where are you going?" she asked. He said, "I'm going to San Francisco to a UNIX convention." She paused for a moment, then said, "Eunuchs convention? I didn't know there were that many of you."
John was talking to Alan. "So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects." "Really?" asked John. "Yep," says Alan. "Whenever I mention sex, they object."
REASON FOR DIVORCE
"Mommy, how much do you weigh?" a little girl asked. The mother frowned and said, "Now, thats not a question you should be asking." "OK," said the little girl. "How old are you?" Again, the mother said disapprovingly, "Thats not something you should be asking." "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" the little girl continued. The mother, exasperated, said, "Thats not something you should be asking." Later, the little girl told her friend about her questions, and the friend said, "You should check her drivers license. Youll get all the answers on there. So, the next day the little girl said to her mother, "Mommy, I know that you are 42 years old, you weigh 150 pounds and daddy got a divorce from you because you got an F in sex."
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease." So the guy asks, "Well isn't there anything I can do, doc?" The doctor tells the patient, "Well, maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" asks the man. "Probably not, but at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt."
ONE FOR THE LADIES
Q. Why are men like guns?
A. Keep one around long enough and eventually you're going to want to shoot it.
A guy is on a business trip in Texas and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots. He can't wait to show his new boots to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new snakeskin boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her. As the wife emerges from the bathroom he asks, "Well honey, do you notice anything special?" The wife sneers, "Yeah, it's limp!" "It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. "It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!" She replies, "Next time buy a hat."
A new IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Chanukah candles. The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the Temple new candles. "What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?" asked the auditor. "Simple," the Rabbi responded. "We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal." "All right," said the auditor, refusing to give up. "I know that you're a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?" "Easy," said the Rabbi. "We send them to Washington, D.C. and they send us little pricks like you."
WHEN LIFE BEGINS
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. "Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus." "We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin." "You've both got it wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."
A guy who had been on a business trip for a couple of weeks returned home to find his son Jimmy riding a brand new 18-speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for that bike?" he asked his son. "It must've cost more than $200." "It's easy, Dad," replied Jimmy. "I got the money hiking." "Come on, tell the truth," his dad said. "I am telling the truth," his son insisted. "Every day you were gone, Mom's boss Mr. Reynolds would come over to see Mom, and every time hed give me $20 and tell me to take a hike."
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