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TAKE IT OFF
A little boy named Billy had gotten sent home from school because his teacher said he didn't know the difference between the sexes and it was disrupting classes. So when he got home, his mother was pretty frustrated. She thought to herself, "Well, I guess I'm going to have to be the one to teach him the difference." So she said, "Billy come upstairs with me." Once they were upstairs she said, "Now Billy, take off my shoes." Billy took off her shoes. Then she said, "Billy, now unbutton my blouse." So he unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. Then she said, "Billy, take off my skirt." He did. Then she said, "Billy, take off my underwear." So he did that, too. Then she said, "Now, don't ever wear those to school again."

HERE LIES
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone the reads, ‘Here lies my wife—cold as ever.’" "Yeah?" she replies, "Well, when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here lies my husband—stiff at last."

FEELING GUILTY
Dave felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. Every once in a while, he'd hear that soothing voice in his head, trying to reassure him, "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. Besides, you're single. Let it go." But, invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave. You're a vet."

DID YOU HEAR
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

LEARN AS WE GO
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said. "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

THE OTHER WHITE MEAT
Two cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came a little old man. The son said, "Oh, Dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her." "No," said the father. "Were not going to eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive, and eat your mother."

GOOD REASON
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

THE MISSIONARY
A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things, to be self-sufficient, gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really becoming enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike.

THE DIFFERENCE
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

IN MOURNING
A man place some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward the car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I do not wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to recollect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

WHO FIRST
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course—at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

BIGGEST LIE
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex." In unison they all replied, "You win!"

SUDDEN DEATH
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells—in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."

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