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FATHERLY ADVICE
A man walks into his son's room and catches him pleasuring himself. He says, "Son, you could keep doing that, you'll go blind." The son says, "I'm over here, Dad."

FEELING BETTER
A man calls his boss and tells him that he's too sick to come to work. "My legs hurt, my arms hurt," the man complains. "I just don't feel very good today." The boss responds, "Look, we’re short-handed and we really need you today. Why don't you do what I do when I'm not feeling well? When my arms and legs hurt and I don't feel good, I have my wife give me oral sex and I feel great! Why don't you try that?" The man agrees. About an hour later he calls back. "Boss, you were right! My arms and legs feel fine, I feel great! I'll be in to work in just a little while. Oh, by the way, boss, you have a really nice house!"

GOOD IDEA
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.

RABBI HOLIDAY
A congregation honors a rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful, nude girl lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi—I'm a little something extra that the president of the board paid for!" The rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the board president and says, "Greenberg, where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you." The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

GOODBYE, MOTHER
A guy was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but the old woman got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," he said to her, "Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye, mother’? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," the man said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, the man saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said you would pay for her," said the clerk.

GREAT PARTY
Two friends were discussing the party they attended the previous evening. Fred said, "Gary, you were really drunk last night." Gary answered, "You think I was drunk? You should have seen the girl I was with. She was so drunk, she had her stockings on her arms and boy did her breath stink."

BIRTHDAY GIFT
A man is turning 99 and his children feel very bad for him because he is very lonely, his wife having died many years earlier. He's also been sick lately, and they are worried that he does not have much time left, so they want him to be able to have some fun before he dies. Since he has not had sex in a very long time, so they decide to surprise him by getting him a hooker. They rent for him the most beautiful room in the most expensive hotel in town, telling him that he is to go there just to relax and enjoy himself. A limo arrives at his door on his birthday to pick him up and bring him there. When he arrives at the hotel, he goes up to his room and opens the door, and there laying on the bed is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. "What are you doing here?" he asks her. "I'm here to give you super sex," she says. To this he replies, "I'll take the soup."

STRONG MEDICINE
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went." A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been. "Oh, it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.

SEX SHOP PATRON
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk, "Ddddoo youuu hhhave ddddildos?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models." The old woman then asks, "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do." "Ccccccannnn yyyyouu tttelll mmmeee hhhoww ttttoo ttturrrn ttthe dddaaammnn ttthinggg offf?"

IN LINE FOR HEAVEN
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric orthopedic surgeon and helped correct deformities in children." St. Peter said, "You may enter." The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St.Peter said, "You can come in, too." As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can only stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

STRAY
One afternoon, a woman was in her backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. The woman could tell from the dog’s collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, the dog followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and the woman let him out. The next day the dog was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, the woman pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children—he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

MEMORIAL PLAQUE
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

HAPPINESS
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

THE NEW MATH
Little Billy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. "Billy, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?" Little Billy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?" He replied, "Yes." The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Billy's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems." Billy’s mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."

HEAVEN OR HELL
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you can choose whichever you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends—fellow executives that she had worked with--and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this...I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in the middle of desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today, you're staff."

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