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WAITING UP
A guy tells his pal, "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until five in the morning." "Why, what is she doing?" the pal asked. The guy says, "Waiting for me to get home."

ART CRITICS
Two elderly women were walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later, the first old lady said to the second, "My, did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second old lady replied, "Yes, I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing? Why, the penis on it was so large!" Then the first old lady exclaimed, "Yes, and cold, too!"

WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME
Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how you doing?" Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?" Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

BEST MEMORY
Three guys are debating who has the best memory. First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my first grade class." Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at nursery school!" Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

FAST DRINKER
A well-dressed man entered a fancy bar and ordered four very expensive drinks. The bartender served them all at the same time, and the man downed them in about a minute. "Wow," said the bartender, "that sure was fast. Is everything okay?" "If you had what I had," replied the man, "you'd drink them fast, too." "Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asked, "And what is that?" "Fifty cents," the man answered.

CAUGHT IN THE ACT
"Rosey," asked Nina thoughtfully one day, "what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?" Rosey thought for a moment and then said, "Let's see—first I'd break her cane, then I’d shoot her guide dog."

IT'S FREE IN HEAVEN
An 85-year-old couple, married for 60, died in a car crash. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi. The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is heaven." Next they went out back and found a championship golf course. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is heaven—you play for free." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven—it’s free!" "Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part—you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven." With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. Peter and the man’s wife both tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

AROUND THE FARM
Grandpa was showing Little Johnny around the farm. When they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!"

THE PROCESSION
A man noticed an unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file. The man could no longer stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "Well that first hearse is for my wife." "What happened to her?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."

LOTTERY WINNER
A wife comes home from work with a new fur coat. Her husband says, "Hey, how did you get this?" She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times—first she gets the coat, then new jewelry, then a new car. One night the wife comes home tired and asks her husband to run her bath, which he does—but he only fills it up an inch. She gets in and says to him, "Why did you put in so little water?" "Well, we don't want your lotto ticket getting wet now do we?"

WHO LIKES IT MORE?
A man and a woman were having drinks and got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with it?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this. When your ear itches and you put your finger in it, and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better—Your ear or your finger?"

HEADACHES
Joe was successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. He finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. The doctor said, "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed, but eventually decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear—it was a miracle. Joe realized he could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see—size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The suit fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see—34 sleeve, and 16 and a half neck." Joe said, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." The shirt fit perfectly. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see—nine and a half wide." "How did you know?" "It's my job." Joe was feeling great when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe said, "Sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see—size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

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