top2.gif (1149 bytes)

jokes1.gif (6283 bytes)

UGLY BABY
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

UNWELCOME GUESTS
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was clearly not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result—the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

JUMPED
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money together and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. Then they travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble around them. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piņata?"

HEARING AID
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the clerk. "That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2 model," he said. The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this piece of plastic in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" the customer asked. "For $2, it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

THE SALESMAN
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked. The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot—you might as well go fishing."

HOW MUCH TIME
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten, what? Months? Weeks?" The doctor replies, "Nine..."

THAT WOULD SUIT ME
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" "That would suit me just fine!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

COLLEGE GRAD
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom—I'll show you how."

SAMPLES
An older man is having a tough time hearing and decides to do something about it. He makes a doctor appointment and takes his wife along. The doctor looks the man over and says, "Well, this is a common problem for a man your age. I'd like to see a urine sample, fecal sample and a sperm sample." The man can’t hear the request and turns to his wife to ask what the doctor said. The wife replies, "Honey, he wants your underwear."

QUICKIE
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop. I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her. I always knew she didn't trust me!"

LOW, LOW PRICES
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent." "One cent?" exclaims the guy. The barman says, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a juicy steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "That’ll be four cents." "Four cents?" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

NOVICE FARMER
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local livestock supplier and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The supplier complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The man at the supplier complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the supplier replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

more-jokes.gif (2017 bytes)home.jpg (4312 bytes)


Submit a joke  ||  Get jokes via e-mail