A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue. "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Vegetarian: A Native American term for "lousy hunter."
Little Tommy hears noises coming from his Mom and Dad's room every night so he goes to take a peek in their room to see what they are doing. After a couple of days of doing this, Tommy asks, "Mommy, sometimes at night I hear noises coming from your room and I peek and I see you jumping up and down on Daddy's tummy. Why do you do that?" "Well," Mom says, "That is so that I can make Daddy skinny." "Mommy, you're wasting your time doing that," says little Tommy, "because after you leave for work every morning, the lady from next door comes into your room with Daddy and blows him back up."
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their lovemaking. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't stop. The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try." At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I gotta see!"
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking among themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Well, the first old lady had a stroke. Then, the second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady had arthritis and couldn't reach that far.
LATE NIGHT CALL
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2:00 a.m. The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some women wanted to know if the coast is clear."
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?" "Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!" The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home." Well, when dad comes home and hears the news, and he is very pleased. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher." "That's right, Dad." "Well, you became a man todaythis is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for." "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
An elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. During desert, the man leans over and says to his wife, "Dear, there's something I have to ask you. It's always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of the kids. I must knowdid he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look at her husband. "Yes," she admits. "He does." Tears well up in the old man's eyes. "Please," he says, "would you tell me who it was?" The woman pauses while mustering her courage. Then she says, "You."
Home is where you can say anything you like because nobody listens to you anyway.
Three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda. The first woman said: "I'm gonna call my man Mountain Dew. Hes strong as a mountain and always wants to do it." The second woman said, "I'm gonna call my boyfriend 7-Up because he has seven inches and it is always up." The third woman said, "I'm gonna call my man Jack Daniels." The other two women responded, "Jack Daniels? But that's not a sodathats a hard liquor." The third woman replied, "Yep. Thats my Leroy."
Q: Why do men find it so difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts dont have eyes.
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, Boy, these feel just like your sister's. Then you try to hold on for eight seconds."
A man walks into his psychiatrists office wrapped only in Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hey, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You idiot, it's me."
BIRDS AND BEES
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and bees. "I don't want to know!" the child cries, bursting into tears. The confused father asks whats wrong. "Oh, Dad," the boy sobs. "At age six, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech. Then, when I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"
A woman went into a pet shop and noticed a frog in a glass tank and inquired about it. The shopkeeper replied that it was a trained sex frogall a woman had to do was undress, lie back on a bed, place the frog between her thighs and the frog would satisfy her every sexual desire. She bought the frog, but a few days later returned to shop to get her money back. The pet shop owner looked totally perplexed and replied, "It's a perfectly trained frog, I can't understand what is wrong." He took the woman and the frog to a back room of the shop and asked her to please lie down and remove her panties. "What?" she shouts. Turning to the frog, he says, "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I' m showing you this."
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