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GOLF INJURY
An attractive young woman had finished taking golf lessons from the club pro. She’d just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense she decided to return to the clubhouse. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What's wrong?" "I was stung by a bee," was her reply. "Where?" he asked. "Between the first and second hole." He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

JUST SAY NO
Bill takes Sue out for the first time, and on the way home, he pulls into a dark rest area. Sue says, "My mother told me if you pull over to a dark area I should say no to everything." Bill replies, "Would you mind giving me oral sex?"

THE STABLE
A number of racehorses are in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won eight of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been eavesdropping. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a
hushed silence. "A talking dog."

ON VACATION
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "You know, I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

SHOPPING TRIP
Farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem—how to carry all his purchases. The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" ''Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there." The young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?" The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The young lady said, "Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

DEFINITIONS
One day a boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, I need to know the meaning of hypothetically and realistically for school." The father replies, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with a man for one million dollars." The little boy goes and asks, and sure enough, she says "yes." His dad says, "O.K., now ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars." The boy does, and sure enough, she says "yes." The father says, "You see son, hypothetically we’re sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we’re living with a couple of whores."

MEDICAL MIRACLES
An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says: "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work."

BABY POWDER
It's after dinner when a man realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. He's persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. As he's nursing it, a gorgeous blond comes in the door. She comes over and sits down. One thing leads to another and she invites him home. Back at her place, they have sex until four in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the woman awake, asking if she has any baby powder. "In the bathroom cabinet," she says. He dusts his hands, speeds home and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand. "So where the hell have you been?" she screams. "Well, you see honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and I ended up back at her place making love." "Wait a minute," snapped his wife, "let me see your hands." Turning on him, she says, "Don't lie, you rotten bastard—you've been bowling again!"

BATTERIES
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk. "Yes, ma'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?" "If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

SEX AFTER 80
An 80-year-old couple gets married and they arrive at a hotel on their honeymoon. After they get up to their room, the new bride says she is going to get ready for bed. After 20 minutes, she comes out of the bathroom in her nightgown. Her new husband comments on how lovely she looks and says he is going to go get ready for bed, too. When he comes out of the bathroom, he goes over to the bed but doesn’t find his new bride in it. Instead, she’s over in the far corner of the room, standing on her head. Her nightgown and robe are down around her head. The man walks over and asks her why she is standing on her head. She replies, "Well, I figured you wouldn't be able to get it up, so you might just want to drop it in."

MORTGAGE
One day, little Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80,000 mortgage, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas came around and Johnny asked his dad again. His father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high. We can't afford it. Ask again some other time." Two days later, Johnny was walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father said, "Why are you leaving?" Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say you were pulling out and Mommy said you should wait because she was coming too." "I’ll be damned if I'm going to get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

TRADITION
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for their religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's a tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception, but, we'd like your permission to dance together." "Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately." "So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "NO!" answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden." "Okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children." "What about different positions?" asks the man. "No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah." "With the woman on top?" the man asks. "Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah." "On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes! A mitzvah!" "Can we do it on rubber sheets with mirrors on the ceiling, a bottle of hot oil, a vibrator, a leather whip, a bucket of honey and a porno video?" "You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah." "Can we do it standing up?" "No, no, no!" cries the rabbi. "Absolutely never standing up!" "Why not?" asks the man. The rabbi says, "Could lead to dancing."

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