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GUILT
There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There where only three survivors—two men and a woman. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. After several years of casual sex, all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it. After awhile, nature once more took its inevitable course. A few more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So, they buried her.

TURNING ORANGE
A retired man was having a unique problem. He discovered his penis was turning orange. He was baffled, so he went to the local doctor's office to show him his problem. The doctor says, "I'm dumbfounded by how someone's penis can suddenly turn orange. Are you out in the sun very often?" The retired man said, "No. All I do all day is sit at home, watch porn films and eat Cheetos."

SADDAM'S DREAM
Saddam Hussein had a dream and called George Bush to tell him about it. "I had a dream about the United States. I could see the whole country and over every building and home was a banner," said Hussein. "And what did this banner say?" asked Mr. Bush. "Long live Saddam Hussein!" answered the Iraqi President. "I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, "because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner." "What did the banner say?" asked Saddam. "I don't know," answered President Bush, " I can't read Hebrew."

PROOF POSITIVE
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

LUCKY HILLBILLY
A hillbilly is sitting in a bar, drinking, when a woman sidles up next to him. "You're cute," says the woman. "Do you want to go back to my place and have some nasty sex?" "You bet!" exclaims the hillbilly. "But I have to tell you, I'm a virgin. I've always been scared because my mom told me that women have sharp teeth between their legs, and sometimes they bite." "Don't worry," the woman says, and the two head back to her place, where she strips and shows the hillbilly her private parts. "Now, does it look like I have teeth down there?" she asks. "How could you possibly have teeth down there?" he says. "Look at the shape your gums are in!"

SIGN LANGUAGE
A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language, "Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?" The wife replies in sign language, "If you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you don't want to have sex bite my left nipple twice." Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question of the husband. The husband replies, "Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once—if you don't want to have sex pull penis 27 times."

TALENTED PARROT
Meyer was walking home one day and passed a pet store. He heard a squawking voice shouting in Yiddish, then realized the voice was coming from a parrot. Meyer went in the store, listened to the parrot in astonishment, and in a matter of moments he’d bought the bird. On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer got up and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained the synagogue was not a place for a bird, but the parrot pleaded and Meyer took him along. They were quite a spectacle. Meyer was questioned by everyone, and he told them his amazing parrot could speak Yiddish fluently. Wagers were made—thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot couldn’t speak Yiddish. One prayer passed, but not a peep. Meyer become annoyed, mumbling under his breath, "Pray!" The parrot said nothing. "Pray, parrot!" The parrot said nothing. After the services were over, Meyer realized he owed his buddies more than $4,000. He marched home, furious. Finally, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer said, "You miserable bird, you cost me $4,000! Why? Why did you do this to me?" "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"

IT DIED
Mr. Smith lived in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurse’s office and informed Nurse Jones his penis had died. She realized he was old and forgetful and decided to humor him, "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied. Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls of the nursing home with his penis hanging outside of his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith! I thought you said your penis died!" "It did," he replied, "Today's the viewing!"

CIDER
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. "Why do you want cider?" asked Mom. "To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. "It doesn't work!" she yelled. "What do you mean?" asked Mom. "Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

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