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A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says, "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies, "Yes, checking for abnormalities." He tells her to take off her blouse and bra and he starts rubbing her breasts. He says, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting genital warts. That's why I'm here."

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Lordy, life sure is boring. We never have any fun. For $5, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old fellow, holding up five dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "Wow, what happened?" asked his friend. "It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for dried arrangement!"

A young executive is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button. "Thanks," says the CEO as his paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A man was stranded on a deserted island for three years. One day, he was sitting on the beach when a gorgeous, athletic young woman dressed in a skin-tight wetsuit appeared on shore. "I've come to rescue you," she said. "I'll send a message for them to pick us up here, but first I'd like to relax a bit." The woman reached up and unzipped her wetsuit a bit and pulled out a pack of cigarettes, offering him one. "Wow, thanks," said the man. "I haven't had a smoke in three years." A few moments later, the woman unzipped her suit a little more, reached in and pulled out a flask. "Do you drink Scotch?" she asked. "Oh, yeah!" he grinned. She passed the flask and he took a deep drink. After a few minutes, the woman said, "They won't be here to pick us up for a few hours." She unzipped her suit a bit further and looked at him. "You've been all alone here for three years," she said. "Want to play around?" The man was stunned. "Holy cow," he said. "You've got a set of golf clubs in there, too?!"

A doctor examining a young blonde woman with abdominal pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't. A later examination showed she was pregnant. The doctor, flabbergasted, asked, "Why on Earth did you say you weren't sexually active?" The blonde replied, "I'm not, I just lie there!" The doctor, understandably perplexed, said, "Do you know who the father is?" The blonde thought for a moment then replied, "No. Who?"

One night a woman and her husband are at home relaxing. The woman turns to her husband and says, "Honey, I really want to have breast enlargement surgery." The husband is kind of shocked but says, "Honey you can do that without spending thousands of dollars on surgery." She asks, "But how, honey?" "Well," he responds, "just rub some toilet paper between them." The wife responds, "How the hell is that supposed to do anything?" He replies, "I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass."

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

A man returns from Africa feeling ill. He visits his doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic. The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark room at the hospital and answers it. "We’ve received the results from your tests," says the doctor on the other end of the line. "Bad news—you have Ebola." "Oh, my God," cries the man. "Doc! What am I going to do?" "Don't worry. First, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread," says the doctor. "Will that cure me?" "No, but it’s the only food we’ll be able to get under the door."

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants—if you have a penis, it's not time.

A couple was invited to a masked Halloween party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go alone, so he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping for an hour, awakened feeling much better so she decided to go to the party. Since her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him to see how he acted when she was not with him. She got to the party and spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every hot woman he could. His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished—naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had sex. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came home and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Don and Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you, the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a great time!"

Two sperm are swimming along. One turns to the other and asks, "Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?" The other replies, "Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven't even passed the esophagus yet!"

One day, Bob noticed a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was quick to notice the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of his neighbor's house, he knocked. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," Bob stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his neighbor replied. "I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you $10,000 if I could kiss those breasts." Bob was about to get decked when the man’s wife appeared. She pulls her husband inside and they discuss the offer. Finally, they return and ask Bob to step inside. "OK," the husband says, "for $10,000 you can kiss my wife's breasts." At this, the wife unbuttons her blouse. Bob takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on, kiss them!" he growls. "I can't," Bob replies, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demands the husband. Bob says, "I don't have $10,000!"

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