A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."
If a man talks in the woods, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
SECRET OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"
MAKING HER SCREAM
The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes." The Frenchman says, "I smooth sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for 20 minutes." The Jewish man says, "I covered my wife's body with chicken fat. We made love and she screamed for six hours." The others say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" He shrugs. "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
Q. How do you stop a Taliban tank?
A. Shoot the guys pushing it.
Three cowboysfrom Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Texasare sitting around a fire. The Oklahoma cowboy gloats, "Just the other day, a bull gored six men in the corral, but I wrestled it to the ground with my hands." The Arkansan replies, "Oh, yeah? Yesterday, a 15-foot rattler came at me, so I grabbed it, bit its head off, and spit the poison into a spittoon 15 yards away." The Texan stays quiet, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
TWO BY FOURS
Two men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned in a minute and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours." "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someoneliving or deadwho would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," the boy informed him.
A tourist traveling down a country road in the deep south passes a young boy walking down the road with only one shoe on. The tourist stops the car and asks the boy, "You lose a shoe?" "Nope," the boy replies, "just found one."
The Anti-Defamation League has reported on the following sign posted in the front window of a local neighborhood business: "We Would Rather Do Business with 1,000 Arabs Than With One Jew. Ginsberg Funeral Home."
CHANGE OF PROFESSIONS
After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?" She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar stares at them. The guy is completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
BROWN PAPER PETE
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," said the bartender.
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