An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
Maria got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
BIRDS AND BEES
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised shed ask such a question, but decides that if shes old enough to ask, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and bees. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Old Freds hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesnt look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Freds funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes hes wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I havent looked at it, but knowing Fred, Im sure theres a word of inspiration in it for us all." Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! Youre standing on my oxygen tube!"
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."
ST. PETER TEST
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. When they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission. The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?" "Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "The Titanic." "Alright," said St. Peter, "you may pass." Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the Titanic?" The thief replied, "That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1,500 people." And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them!"
Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.
TRUTH COMES OUT
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks his wife, "Betty, have you ever cheated on me?" Betty replies, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You dont want to ask that question." "Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please." "Well, all right. Yes, three times." "Three? Well, when were they?" he asked. "Well, remember when you were 35-years-old and you wanted to start a business but no bank would give you a loan? Then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I cant be too upset about that. Well, when was number two?" "Well, remember when you had that heart attack and needed that very risky operation no surgeon was willing to perform? And, remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to perform the surgery himself?" "Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. To do such a thing, you must truly love me darling. How can I be upset with that?" "So, all right then, when was number three?" "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off!"
The NFL announced that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. They have decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving jobs. They will be known as the Tampacks. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.
LEAVING FOR VEGAS
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. "Where do you think you're going?" asked the man. "I'm going to Las Vegas," said the wife, "I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!" The man said, "Wait a minute." He ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. "Where are you going?" asked the wife. The man said, "Im going with youI want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year!"
A young doctor was setting up his first office when his secretary told him there was a man to see him. The doctor wanted to make a good first impression by having the man think he was successful and very busy. He told his secretary to show the man in. At that moment, the doctor picked up the telephone and pretended to be having a conversation with a patient. The man waited until the "conversation" was over. Then, the doctor put the telephone down and asked, "Can I help you?" To which the man replied, "No, I'm just here to connect your telephone."
A man walks up to a woman at their office and says her hair smells nice. The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled and says, "What's wrong with a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "He's a midget."
Submit a joke || Get jokes via e-mail