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METRIC SYSTEM
The metric system never really caught on here in the States—unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9mm bullet.

BEFORE IT STARTS
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, the man says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob." The man sighs and says, "It’s started…"

CAT FOOD
A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be angry if it's not ready on time." When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in 40 years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day. Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later her husband died. The women were sitting around the card table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife calmly replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking himself."

VIDEOS
Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love with a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?" Five people shouted in unison, "Where'd you rent the tape?"

THE FIRST TIME
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex." And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her." And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose."

ON THE BALCONY
Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.

DEAD CAT
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?" she asked. "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!" the teacher squealed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move."

OSAMA SAFE SEX
Q: What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A: Marking the camels that kick.

FIRST CLASS, ECONOMY CLASS
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a passenger sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry." She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

IN DISGUISE
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple that also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even more raunchy than he had feared, featuring group sex, S&M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

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