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Having had one too many, a man at a bar was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey, how about it babe—you and me?" The woman got up to move away from the drunk, and as she did, the man said loudly, "Honey, you look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars." She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"

A Frenchman, an Italian and an American were on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," the American replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

An old priest soon got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife's already fallen three times this week!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. "Whales can’t swallow people," the teacher said. "Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small." "But Jonah was swallowed by a whale," the little girl replied. "That just can’t be," the teacher said. "It’s physically impossible." "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah," said the little girl. The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away, enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Q. What's the difference between a gerbil and a cow?
A. Cows survive the branding.

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback and stupefied.

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can make this right." After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, the man goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it’s a man's or woman's." "You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a damned thing!"

Q: At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth—one is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers, the other is getting oral sex from a 98-year-old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
A: Don't look down.

A redhead, brunette and a blonde were talking about the things they’ve found in their daughter’s rooms. The redhead says, "I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughter’s room once—I had no idea she smoked." The brunette says, "That’s nothing. I found a bottle of vodka—I had no idea she drank." The blonde says, "I can beat that, I found a condom—I had no idea my daughter had a penis!"

The ambitious coach of a girl's track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?" Penelope replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I’d like to talk to you about."

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

A father asked his five-year-old son just what he thought he did to earn a weekly allowance. "Well, for one thing," replied the boy, "I keep your wife occupied all day."

A man was listening to the radio when he heard there was a car heading the wrong way down Interstate 17, and knew his wife was driving on it at the time. He frantically called her on his cell phone and yelled hysterically, "Honey, watch out. There is a car going the wrong way on Interstate 17!" His wife replied, "There isn’t just one car! There are hundreds of them!"

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