Every Sunday, a little old lady in Florida placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, $2,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. He slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort made his way down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen. There, spread out the kitchen table, were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth. His aged and withered hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
A: She had no arms.
Two cowboys see an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Yep, ran over me about a half hour ago."
Children. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk, then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
OH, MY GOODNESS
Two elderly ladies were driving down the road and came to a red light. Without hesitating, they drove straight through it. Having barely avoided an accident, the passenger was frozen with fear. When she was able to speak she said, "Ethel, you just ran a red light." Ethel replied, "Oh my goodness, am I driving?"
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
An old man and woman are sitting in a nursing home and the old man says, "I bet you can't guess how old I am." The old woman says, "Okay, unzip your pants." The old man unzips his pants and the woman reaches over and touches him for a moment. She pulls her hand out and says, "You're 89." The old man looks at her incredulously and asks, "How did you know that?" The old woman says, "You told me yesterday."
HOT AND COLD
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns youd like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man." After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." Next the wife came in for her exam. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns youd like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said, "Your husband had an unusual concernhe claims he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh, that crazy old man" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December.
Pfizer, the company that manufacturers Viagra, has announced it will now produce its popular drug in liquid form. Company officials claim this will allow the tired businessman to go home from a hectic day at the office and pour himself a stiff one.
The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks. The guide noted, "We are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America." A male passenger shouted, "Why?"
A confused nine-year-old goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." So the boy asks, "Is God gay or straight?" The mother is getting concerned, but answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her lots of questions, couldnt get a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did he look?" asked the psychiatrist. "Very angry," she replied. The psychiatrist said, "Well, that's interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sexthat seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was looking in through the window."
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