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A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you, Grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" asks the young man. "Couldn't be better." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?" "No problem at all," says the grandfather. "Nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed."

Q: When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood?
A: The day his hand caught on fire.

A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night. His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?" He says, "No." She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?" He says, "Yeah, you want the whole bed to yourself!"

A man walks up to a guy behind the counter and says, "Let me have some grits." The guy behind the counter says, "You must be from Georgia." The man is furious and fumes, "What the hell kind of stereotypical remark is that? If I walked in here and asked for a sausage, would you think I was Polish?" "No," said the man behind the counter. "And if I walked in here and asked for some chow mein, would you think I was Chinese?" "Well, no." The angry customer continued, "If I walked in here and asked for some pizza, would you think I was Italian?" "No." "Then why in the hell do you think I'm from Georgia?" asked the customer. "Well," said the man behind the counter, "because this is a hardware store."

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

What's the difference between a good stewardess and a great stewardess? A good stewardess says, "Good morning, Captain." A great stewardess says, "It's morning, Captain."

A prosecutor is questioning a man on trial for murder. The attorney says, "Did you kill the victim?" The defendant says, "No, I did not." The lawyer closes in on the suspect and asks, "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?" "Yes, I do," the accused man replies. "And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder."

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mother calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The father takes his member out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

The football coach noticed that his star player, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. One day he asked Bubba, "What's your secret?" Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I take it out and smack it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and you can do it forever!" The coach took off early one day, got home and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started smacking his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you, Bubba?"

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted.

An elderly woman was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

A man comes back to work after his vacation. He asks his boss for another two weeks off so he can get married. "You just had two weeks off," the boss says. "Why didn't you get married then?" He replies, "What, and ruin my vacation?"

The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed. A famous hypnotist was hired and sent around town to do his work. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch. He began to swing it gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Ah, crap!" said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the Town Hall.

A teacher of an American history asked the class, "What was the reason for the Puritans coming to this country?" A student in the back of the class raised his hand and answered, "They came to worship in their own way and to make everyone else do the same."

A lonely frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and asks what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor says, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10, but they know they are in love. One day, they decide they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking this is cute, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Johnny replies, "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is adorable, Mr. Smith says, "Okay then, how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Johnny replies, "Our allowance. Susie makes five bucks a week and I make 10. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should be fine." By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well, it seems you have everything figured out. I just have one more question for you. What if you two have a baby?" Johnny shrugs and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Q: What's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?
A: "What time will your husband get home?"

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