A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, hes perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. "Son, theres been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "Im afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis." "What!" gasps the patient. "You mean Ill never experience another erection?" "Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"
NUNS ON A TRAIN
Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box." The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week." The third just sits there quietly. So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours." The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
HIT THE BALL
A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He was driving his partner nuts, as he looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife's up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." His partner mumbled, "Forget it, man, you'll never hit her from here!"
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
A woman with 14 children, ages one through 14, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion. "When did he desert you?" the judge asked. "Thirteen years ago," she replied. "If he left 13 years ago," asked the judge, "where did all the children come from?" "Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."
A lonely frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and asks what his future holds. His psychic advisor says, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
Three elderly women were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping for groceries in the old days, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper, too, and she demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
A DISTANT VOICE
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One American soldier is better than 10 Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks out for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out, "One American soldier is better than 100 Taliban." Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out again, "One American soldier is better than 1,000 Taliban." The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends then across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually, one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's two of them."
TONTO AND SIDEKICK
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding their horses all day. When they stopped to rest, Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come," Tonto said. "How do you know that?" asked the Lone Ranger. Tonto replied, "Ear sticky."
Q: What do you call a guy from Kentucky who doesn't have sex with his sister?
A: An only child.
TRIP TO THE PHARMACYBRAGGING RIGHTS
A little boy walks into a pharmacy and asks the druggist, "Do you handle tampons and rubbers?" The pharmacist looks that the little boy and says, "Of course I do." The little boy said, "Then go wash your damn hands and give me a nickel's worth of jellybeans."
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were chatting on a park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this Sex and Marriage book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' therethat's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?" Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
ICE FISHINGWAGGING TONGUE
A woman really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenlyfrom the skya voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice!" Startled, the woman moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!" The woman, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder, "There are no fish under the ice!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the ice rink manager!"
A womans dog chews the tongue on one of her new, very expensive running shoes. Hoping to save her investment, she takes the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. She places them on the counter and tells the man, "My dog did this." The repairman picks up the shoe, looks it over and places it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" the woman asks. He looks at her and replies, "Give your dog the other shoe."
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