Q. How many Freudian therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One to change the lightbulb, and the other to hold the penis...I mean ladder.
SIZE EIGHT SHOES
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size eight shoes. The salesman says, "But, sir, Ive been doing this for years, and I can see you're at least a size 11." The guy says, "Just bring me a size eight shoe." The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and stands up, obviously in pain. He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is having sex with my best friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes."
FACTS OF LIFE
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in the big city. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several scantily dressed women loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work." The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, c'mon lady. Tell your daughter the truth, for crying out loud. They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the retirement home with her fist clenched above her head. "Anybody that can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight." An old man looked up from the pool table and said, "An elephant?" Bessie thought about it for a second and said, "Close enough."
LOAD OF PRODUCETHE APPOINTMENT
Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell. Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road. Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand." Pa obliged. A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" So he kisses her. A little further along, she starts to speak, but Pa cuts her off abruptly. "Damn it, Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the cucumbers and sit on the melons!"
A woman called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her private area. The doctor examined her. The doctor shook his head. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation." "I'm not sure I can afford it," the young woman sighed. "But while Im here, could you just replace the batteries?"
Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.
Little Mary was not the best student in religion class. Usually she slept through the whole class. One day, Sister called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the butt. "God, almighty!" shouted Mary. Sister said, "Very good." Mary went back to sleep. Awhile later Sister asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and savior?" Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and Sister said, "Very good." Mary fell back asleep. Then Sister asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" And Sister fainted.
Q. Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A. So they won't be mistaken for feminists.
A blond guy looks into buying a saw to cut down some trees. He goes to a chainsaw shop and the dealer says, "I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood in one day." So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks theres something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. The next morning, he gets up early and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. He is convinced this is a bad saw. The next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "It looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"
HE & SHE
He: I'm tired, I'm drunk and I'm horny. What do you say?
She: Get some sleep, get sober and get a grip.
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
Two middle-aged men are sitting in a park. One shares some words of wisdom with his friend: "When I was 14, I hoped one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotionalshe was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So, I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a stable girl, but she was boringnever got excited about anything. Life became so dull, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with hershe rushed from one thing to another. She was energetic, but had no direction. So, I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now 45. Now Im looking for a girl with very large breasts."
Q: Why don't government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: Because then they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
A blonde went to the gynecologist. She disrobed and got up into the stirrups. The doctor was so shocked at the neglectful state of her private area, he asked, "When was the last time you had a check-up?" "Well, to be honest with you," the woman blushed, "I've never had a Czech up there, but I have had several Hungarians."
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isnt in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
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