An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to have sex, but the woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition. "I should tell you, I have acute angina," she said. The man replied, "Thats good, because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"
The old Indian chief sat in his home on the reservation, smoking his ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many years. You have seen all his progress and all his problems." The chief nodded. The official continued, "What do you think of all the white man has done?" The chief stared at the officials for more than a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver. Women did most of the work. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time." The chief paused, then added, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
One day, a construction worker left his job a little early. When he got home, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his penis in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" "Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
Q: What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?
A: Beat it, we're closed.
A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise. One day, she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed. Sure enough, at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her. He began to make love to her, and with each passing moment, the woman grew more furious at her husband. Finally, unable to restrain herself any longer, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and fumed, "Surprised?" "I sure am!" stammered the chauffeur.
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
A man was admitted into the hospital and quickly showed himself to be a jerk by verbally abusing the nursing staff. One morning, the head nurse entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back." She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
An older couple sits down to breakfast on their fiftieth anniversarystark naked. The wife says, "Oh, Harold, this is just like 50 years ago. My breasts feel all warm and tingly." He says, "They ought to, Gladys. One's hanging in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."
A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too lateseveral of her girls had seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing. "Well, if you must know, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration," the troop leader insisted. "Wow, " exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!"
Definition of an orgasm: the gland finale.
A study in London showed that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a heavy pair of scissors shoved in his forehead.
THE OLD BOAT
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old, dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of tourists who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could from the sunken vessel. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore, he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.
Q: Why does a dog lick its penis?
A: Because it can't make a fist.
THE BIRTHDAY SURPRISE
A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the husband. "Did she like it?" his buddy asked. "Oh, yes. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!'"
THAT'S HOW II
Q: How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A: It isn't hard.
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mommy, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
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