A newlywed couple is bargain hunting. They come across an unusual mirror that the shop owner claims has "magical powers." They buy the mirror and place it on the back of their bedroom door. One day, the wife decides to test the mirror out, and while looking into the mirror, she says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my breasts size 44." Lo and behold, it happens. The woman runs down the stairs to show her husband, who is utterly amazed. He runs up to the bedroom, and while looking in the mirror, says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor." Then his legs fall off.
SHEEP AND GOATS
Q: What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"
THE ARGUMENT STOPPER
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My fathers says the same thing."
The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. The father said, "Son, Im proud of you. Youve brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligentlybut you didn't get your hair cut." The young man replied, "Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long haireven Jesus had long hair." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere!"
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Since he wasnt familiar with that phrase, he went on his way, looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was who told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!"
CALL TO THE POLICE
A drunk calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, they even stole my gas pedal." Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."
There were two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two-week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
A farmer has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. To foil the thieves, the farmer puts up a sign that reads, "Warning! One of these watermelons is poisonousfigure out which!" The farmer returns to the watermelon patch the next day to discover none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, "Now two of these watermelons are poisonousfigure out which!"
STOPPED FOR SPEEDING
An older couple from Oklahoma are traveling out to California to see the grandkids. While passing through Arizona, they get pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer walks up to the car and says to the old man, "Can I see your driver's license?" "Whatd he say?" asked the old woman, hard of hearing. "He said he wants to see my driver's license!" shouts the old man to his wife. The officer then says, "Sir, I stopped you because you were driving a little fast." "Whatd he say?" asked the old woman again. "He says I was driving too fast!" shouts the old man to his wife. The officer then says, "I see you're from Oklahoma. You know, the worst sex I ever had was with a woman from Oklahoma." "Whatd he say?" asked the old woman. "He says he knows you," the old man shouted.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big dealunless you're not getting any.
The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me and my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my bedroom." "Go on, my child," said the priest. "I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my, on my..." "Go on," my child. "On my wet, private place," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen. "And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself." "Yes, go on," the priest directed. "I pulled down his pants," the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began to make love to me. Deeper. Faster." "Yes, go on," urged the priest. She said, "And then we heard the front door slam." "Oh, crap!"
After years of wondering why he didn't look like his brothers, Lloyd finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were, son," his mother said as she started to cry softly, "but it didn't work out and they brought you back."
There was a guy who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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