A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "What for?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne, the works. Finally, he asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but then again, my mother isnt looking to get laid."
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."
Did you hear that they put Viagra in a candy bar? It's called "Oh, Henry!"
MONEY FOR THE CHURCH
A priest wanted to raise money for his church. When told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase a racehorse. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might just as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline, "Priests Ass Shows." The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and this time it won. The headline read, "Priests Ass Out in Front." The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read, "Bishop Scratches Priests Ass." This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest decided to give the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read, "Nun Has Best Ass in Town." The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun she couldnt keep the donkey. She sold the donkey to a farmer for $10. The headline read, "Nun Sells Ass for $10." This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read, "Nun Announces Her Ass is Wild and Free." The Bishop was buried the next day.
Q: What's the first thing a girl from Tennessee says after she loses her virginity?
A: "Get off me daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes."
A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!" "Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested. "Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?" "Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."
Bill and Ben, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Bill got a nibble. Reeling it in, he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said, "I will grant you one wish." Bill thought for a second and said, "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Ben looked at Bill in disgust and said, "You jerk, now if we want to take a leak, we have to do it in the boat."
EMERGENCY ROOM VISIT
While assisting in an exam on a young women who was presented to the ER with lower abdominal pains, the doctor asked her if she were sexually active. The young woman appeared slightly embarrassed by the question, but replied, "No, usually I just lay there."
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet, which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane." He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to have an orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?" "Pepper," he replies.
ICE CREAM PARLOR
A little old man shuffles slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawls painfully onto a stool, and orders a banana split. The waitress asks, "Crushed nuts?" He replies "No, arthritis."
An escaped convict, imprisoned for murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you." After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."
A guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he ended up with a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" There was no answer and after a few minutes he asked again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"
Get a joke book! || Submit a joke || Get jokes via e-mail
Pictures || Jokes || Trivia || Fallacies || Articles || Strange || Cards || Mixed Bag || Links || What's New || Home