A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, completely drunk. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a drink. The bartender kindly tells the guy he can't give him a drink because he is already drunk. Angry, the guy stumbles back out the front door. About five minutes later, the guy stumbles through the side door of the bar. He asks the bartender for a drink and once again the bartender says, "No, youre already drunk." The guy stumbles back through the side door. A few minutes later the guy stumbles through the bars back door. The guy walks up to the bar, looks at the bartender for a moment then says, "Damn, how many bars do you work at, anyway?"
YELLOW AND GREEN
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a while, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned." So, the boy went to his mother and asked, "Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two hookers." The father replied, "That's my boy!"
Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
IN YOUR EAR
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "Really? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ah, damn. I think I know where my hearing aid is."
A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." A small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine," said the woman. "I've turned the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've developed these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in here? You're scaring the customers!" he said. The drunk replied, " I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the pharmacists' convention. "This is Rachael," she smiled, "for $250 I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub. And this is Candi, available for $500. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room. Chrissy can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours for the night for only $600." She continued, "And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Mandy here, she can..." "Just a minute," interrupted one of the druggists. "Don't you have any generic girls?"
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously pleasuring himself. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind." The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is one and one?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. "It went great!" the blonde said. "First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
A wife was furious with her husband, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second." "Why would I come in second?" the husband asked. She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"
PREPARE FOR BATTLETWO SHOTS
A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells, "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." The battle ended victoriously and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" A crewmember brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members asks the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request your red jacket?" The captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried about my condition." The crewmember agrees this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day, a massive fleet of pirate ships, ten in all, comes over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells, "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"
This guy goes into a bar and orders two shots. He drinks one and pours the other on his hand. He then orders two more and does the same, drinks one and pours the other on his hand. After the third time, the bartender asks him what he's doing. The guy says, "I'm trying to get my date drunk."
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