What follow are jokes, plain and simple. Jokes keep the wheels of our society spinning. They are perhaps the best examples of how we all take "Sips from the Dribble Glass of Life."
PHOTO FOR MOM
A college student's mother is bothering him to send a photo of himself. The only photo he has is one where he's totally nude. He figures hell just cut it into half and send the top half to his mother. A few weeks later, he gets a letter from his grandmother requesting a photo. He didn't want to make her feel bad, but he had no other photo. He figured since his grandmother was practically blind, he'd just send the bottom half of his nude photo. A week later he receives a nice letter from grandmother. She wrote, "You look great, but your hairstyle makes your nose look long."
A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."
Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested?
A: An accomplice.
Q: What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested?
A: A lawyer.
TRIP TO THE TRACK
A substitute teacher was called to teach the third grade. She was an avid horse race fan and it was the day of the big derby. However, she needed the money and agreed to teach. She thought about the race all morning, and as post time neared she decided it would be a good learning experience for the children to take them to the track. So she called the bus company and asked the driver to pick them up. They arrived at the track about 30 minutes before post time. As soon as they got off the bus the children needed to go to the bathroom. She left the boys at the men's room and took the girls to the lady's room. When she came back to get the boys, they told her the urinal trough was too high and they couldnt reach it. By this time it was 15 minutes until post time. She asked if there were any men in restroom and they said no. She said, "Well, come on and Ill hold each of you up while you go." The boys lined up and she began to hold them up one by one. After she had helped several, she picked up one who had an unusually large penis. She exclaimed, "My god, are you just in the third?" He calmly replied, "No ma'am, I'm also riding in the fifth."
DID YOU HEAR
Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles? He was half nuts.
A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars and beat the guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge. The next day, the man purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on. Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.
AWAY FROM HOME
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest." "What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?" She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks for old times sake. He finds a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back!"
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brotherhe's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
BIG NIGHT OUT
There were three buddies talking at lunch about the night before. The first guy says, "Man, we drank way too much. I got out of the cab and barfed all over the front lawn. Boy, was the wife ever mad." The second guy says, "That's nothing, I was so drunk I drove the car right through the back of the garage. I didn't even know it until I came out this morning to go to work." The third guy says, "You guys don't know what drunk is. I came home last night and I blew chunks." The first guy says, "I told you I threw up all over the place." The third guy says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. "So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "None. I had a perfect marriage." "Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Only twice, I think," says the second guy. "Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "Twelve times. Maybe 13," says the third guy. "Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford." Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying. "What's wrong?" "I just saw my wife." "So?" "She was riding a skateboard."
One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!" "What should I do?" asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."
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