An old man goes to a lingerie store to buy his wife the sheerest nightgown he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," he says. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."
Q. Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A. Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull having sex with one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the move on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing." "Well then, why don't you?" Mabel whispered back. "It is your cow."
CURE FOR SNORING
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right," she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks perhaps the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."
"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene." "Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is only 180."
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms, the second no legs, and the third has no bodyjust a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash," they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom. The guy with no legs finishes the race first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides hed better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool. The head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually, the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three damn years I've spent learning to swim with my ears. Then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me."
Miss Smith was teaching her class math. She asked, "Johnny, if your father earned $100 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?" Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack?"
An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting alone at a table nearby. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to herknowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read, "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants. The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read, "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
Q: What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbian's apartment?
A guy struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed. "Say, how hold are you, anyway?" the guy asked. "Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen? My God, girl! Get those clothes back on at once and get the hell out of here! Are you crazy?" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the girl smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
HOW YOU CAN TELL
Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A: There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
One night, Joey's father is walking down the hall to go to bed, and he hears Joey saying his prayers before bedtime. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The father doesn't think anything of it, until the next day, when the Grandfather drops dead. Two weeks later, he again hears Joey saying his prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough, the next day, Grandma drops dead. A week later, the father again hears Joey's prayers. "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy." Now the father is really worried. He goes to work the next day, but can't get anything done, because he's afraid he's going to drop dead at any moment. He stays at work late into the evening, afraid that if he goes home, he'll get in a car accident, or have a heart attack once he gets there. Finally, after midnight, he drives home, thinking, "I made it, it's after midnight, I'm not going to die." When he gets home, he apologizes to his wife, telling her he had a really bad day at work, and that he had to work late, and he's sorry for making her worry. She looks at him and says, "You think you had a bad day? The mailman dropped dead on the doorstep today!"
HOT SUMMER DAY
Two girls were walking down the sidewalk on a hot summer day. They come upon this old lady sitting on steps in front of her house eating watermelon. They notice that she wasn't wearing any panties. So they ask her if its cooler without wearing any panties. She said, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
INDIAN, UH, NATIVE AMERICAN, NAMES
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you asking so many questions today?"
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