A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After awhile, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live." "But doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly, Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
A telemarketer calls and gets a man on the phone. The telemarketer pitches his product, but the man refuses the sales pitch, saying his wife wont let him buy it. The salesman asks, "Who wears the pants in your family?" The man pauses, and says proudly, "My wife says I do."
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, "Can your dog perform other tricks?" "But of course," the man answers, "he can even gratify a woman." Anxious to know more, the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and, full of expectation, lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing. "It's always the same thing with you!" the man then shouts to the dog, "I'll show you how to do it one last time."
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All lawyers are scumbags!" A man at the front of the bar stands up and says, "Hey, I resent that!" So the first man asks, "Why? Are you a lawyer?" "No," the second guy says, "I'm a scumbag!"
A woman goes to a pet store, and sees a beautiful parrot with a sign that says: "Talking parrot, $20." She asks the owner why such an exotic animal is only $20. The owner says, "Well, the parrot used to live in a house of prostitution, and I'm not sure what sort of things he might say." The lady buys the parrot thinking it is worth the risk. She takes the parrot home, sets up his cage, and the parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madam." The lady laughs, then her daughter comes home. The parrot says, "New house, new madam, new girl." The lady explains the story to her daughter and they both laugh. The woman's husband comes home, and the parrot says, "New house, new madam, new girl, hello Steve."
SMOKERIF I DIED
The druggist approached a customer who had just lit a cigar. "Excuse me," the druggist said, "but you can't smoke in here." The irate customer puffed a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth. "Like hell I can't! I just bought the damn thing here!" "Big deal," replied the druggist. "We sell condoms here, too."
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The man said, "No dear." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would." Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Yes, I guess so." Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" The man replied, "No, she's left-handed."
A court falls silent as the defendant is led into the courtroom. The judge asks the defendant to stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chainsaw." The crowd gasps and in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" the judge shouted, banging his gavel. "I will not tolerate such outbursts!" He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You damned tightwad!" blurts the spectator again. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. After staring into the crowd, daring anyone to challenge him, he continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a" the man starts to shout, when the judge slams his gavel down and thunders back, "Sir, if you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt and have you locked up!" The man stands and answers, "I've lived next to that guy for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a damn drill when I asked to borrow one?"
A man was hospitalized for a few days, and his wife reported that his dog really missed him. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said. "What an example of true love," the man replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?" "Honey," the wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."
JOB ON THE LINE
A chiropractor is standing in line at the bank. He notices the shoulders of the man standing in front of him in line are severely out of alignment. After a while, the chiropractor just cant bear to see such dislocated shoulders, so he grabs the man's shoulders, thrusts his knee into the man's spine and pulls the man's shoulders into perfect alignment. The man turns around and yells, "What are you trying to do?" The chiropractor answers, "I'm a chiropractor and I just cant bear to see a person's shoulders as out of line as yours were! But now they are in perfect alignment!" "Listen," said the man in front of the chiropractor, "why don't you mind your own business and keep your hands to yourself? I'm a lawyer and you don't see me screwing the people ahead of me in line!"
Why doesn't Sea World have a seafood restaurant? You could be halfway through a fish sandwich and realize, "Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner."
A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic up to that point anyway. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a Golden Retriever ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.
How do you know when you're staying in a Tennessee hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."
A bum, who has obviously seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?" The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You are not going to spend it on liquor are you?" "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum. "You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman. "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum. "You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?" asks the man. "Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf." The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him. "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?" "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play golf."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said, "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing he sometimes could be a bit crude. Eventually, his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, or why the dot was exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed oneDad had a heart attack, Mom fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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