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PUNISHMENTS
Three men were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with more than 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the sheik entered. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way that corresponds to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man. "Very well," says the sheik, "we will shoot your penis off." The sheik then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off," said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" The third man thought for a moment, then answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

HAIR REMOVER
A woman found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears—he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the woman if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some Nair hair remover and rub in the dog’s ears once a month. So, the lady goes to the drug store and gets some Nair. At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Well, stay off your bicycle for a week."

BUSY NIGHT
One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait." "But there are lots of girls that aren't busy right now," the man pleaded. "Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs," said the madam. "Listen," urged the man, "I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room." So, she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the women and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks. "Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!" "I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."

LOOK AT THAT
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"

BUS RIDE
Two Jewish men, one young and one old, are riding on a bus in Jerusalem. The young Jewish man asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jewish man doesn't answer. "Excuse me, sir," the young Jewish man asks again, "what time is it?" The old Jewish man looks up at him, but still doesn't answer. The young Jewish man is puzzled, "Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?" The old Jewish man turns toward the young man and says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger to this land. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You would fall in love with her and you'd want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a damn watch?"

POTENCY SECRET
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30-year-old!" Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?" "Well," says Elmer, "the secret is to eat lots of whole wheat bread. I'm not kidding." So, the second old man rushed to the store. The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?" "Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole wheat bread, please," said Leon. "That's a lot of bread. It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked. Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

FRAT GUYS
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

PHILOSOPHY EXAM
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after an entire semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. They found his answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

NO INSURANCE
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun." The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

BULLETIN BOARD NOTE
A sign posted on a hospital bulletin board: "Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky." A hand-written note underneath: "The last five minutes aren't so hot either."

MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, shaking his head, sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

NUDE SUNBATHING
A man was sunbathing in the nude. He saw a girl walking toward him, so he covered himself with a newspaper. The girl asked, "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" Thinking quickly, the man replied, "A bird," The girl nodded and walked away. Soon, the man fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what had happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know I'm here." The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" The girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was just playing with his bird, then it tried to poke me in the eye so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire."

NO ALLIGATORS
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?" "Nope," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

VIRGIN SACRIFICE
There was a great eruption of a south sea island volcano, and the witch doctor appealed to the tribal chief, demanding that a virgin be sacrificed to appease the volcano. The chief apologized, "I've used up all the virgins myself, so I guess we'll just have to get used to the noise."

THE THRILL IS GONE
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Doug suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck," said Doug, "this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Bill went home and said, "Honey, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that—it didn’t work."

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